"I made a mistake. I found someone who couldn’t live without me. I thought that’s what you wanted. But it’s fucking obnoxious. It’s like having a puppy that can text you."
The guy I’m seeing told me I have thunder thighs. Is castration going too far or…
"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
“Men grow up expecting to be the hero of their own story. Women grow up expecting to be the supporting actress in somebody else’s… I refuse to burn my energy adding extra magic and sparkle to other people’s lives to get them to love me. I’m busy casting spells for myself.”
why do you always play with my butt?
because you wear spandex. It's like putting a water balloon in front of an 12-year-old boy.
Drinking game: take a shot every time you get called “ma’am” while wearing a camo jacket
Fuck, I don't have a Plan B.
Did you just say that?
For a shirt!